God is that you?

Do you hear from God? I never heard an audible voice from God. However, I found it easy to confuse my own voice with the voice of God. One time I even told someone that God said I shouldn't be in a relationship right now. It was really my refusal to own my feelings and responsibility for a decision that would make me look like a jerk. I remember I felt that God wanted me to give my brand new iPod touch to a friend. I remember feeling led by God to give another friend 400 dollars. Albeit, all of these situations occurred while I was in college when I was broke, with less responsibilities, no family to provide for, no bills beyond rent and a cellphone. I grew to accept the fact I didn’t hear a clear audible voice, but embraced the belief that God spoke to me through his word, his people, and ordinary everyday situations. In my youthful zeal I searched high and low through scripture and contemplated situation after situation searching for God‘s voice. Sometimes I even weighed the advice of friends and family against the word of God and seemingly everything I consumed from media to food. I struggled internally with my thoughts. I would actively dialogue with my inner-self, questioning if it was me or the Holy Spirit guiding my thoughts and decisions. I often reflect on this time in my spiritual development in a bittersweet way. I admire the intentionality and genuine desire to please and get to know God. However, it was also a time characterized by a Pharisaical Legalistic faith, void of the grace of God and an authentic transparency of my own downfalls. As I embraced the grace of God and became more transparent with my shortcomings with friends and in my art, I became less intentional in searching for the voice of God. I questioned it less. I was on autopilot. I became an adult. I started a job. I started a family. I had no time to think about the voice of God. I couldn’t hear him past the worries and demands of work, school, and family. Admittedly, the most consistent way I look for and welcome God’s voice is when I lose something. When I’m at my wits end, it is my custom to call upon the Holy Spirit to guide me to the lost thing. Sometimes I find said thing. Sometimes I don’t, but I am intentionally listening to the Holy Spirit to help me find what I’m looking for. Our toddler was sick with a fever, but we didn't know how high it was because we couldn't find the thermometer. Our toddler was diagnosed with COVID which made me angry. A father always wants to protect his children. I was upset with the church that didn't have masks on. I questioned myself, "Why were we there? Why did I expose my child to this environment?" I also was upset thinking about my child's daycare not taking the necessary precautions to keep the children at the school healthy. This angst and anger consumed me. I found myself in our kitchen at the microwave seething over my pizza that recently hit the floor. This only added to my abounding irritation. A toy syringe had been laying outside of the microwave. I didn't see it when I laid my pizza on the counter in front of the microwave. It went tumbling down to the kitchen floor. I annoyingly took the toy syringe and placed it on top of the microwave (also not the place it belonged). To my delight I saw the thermometer camping out there. I was extremely relieved to have found the thermometer. I truly believe God revealed the it to me. I then wondered how often God may have spoken to me and I simply missed his voice. Honestly, in the past i would undoubtedly credit God with this revelation and discovery, but my pragmatic adult mind thinks maybe it was a coincidence. I wonder if any of you can relate. Do you seek the voice of God? What do you hear?